8.9.17

The Monster Under My Bed


I had a monster under my bed.
It was one that I didn't ever tell anyone about.
It lurked and crept in and out of my life like a fly on a hot day that you just can't swat away.

It was my best kept secret.


It would come in many forms.
It would often look like the end of a warm and satisfying bottle or sometimes it would look like a waterfall of tears that burned my cheeks and left my pillow case drenched. There were other times when it would look like a handful of flying bleeps and middle fingers down the high way.

I had no control.

I would fall victim to it's influence as if I was on the stage of a hypnotist show and it would just snap it's fingers and away I'd go.

The crazy thing is that I had no idea. I knew I was a little extra sad, a little extra angry, and I knew I had a few too many a few too often but I didn't know the source. Or maybe I did and I just didn't care.

Depression was my abusive relationship.

It would drive away friendships, it would isolate me, and it would make me cling to it with everything I had.

I hear different sides to the depression conversation all the time.
There are those who see the peril and destruction of it all, but are missing hope. There are those who know it's real, but just tell you to put on your big girl panties and get out and you'll feel better. And then there are those who don't get it at all. They think it's some sort of attention seeking charade.
And I'm sorry they feel that way.

There has to be a middle ground.
There has to be awareness, love, compassion and also hope, determination, and fight. If you would have asked me before, if those things could come together and battle depression, well one, I would have denied having it, and two... well "yea right".

But now as I sit here in this empty field listening to the birds and watching the clouds roll by, I have an easy "of course".

Ofcourse we can recognize that depression is real. That it's crippling, lonely, and painful.
That it's a losing battle on your own.
And of course there is hope, determination, and a fight we can win!

You might ask how I know this. Especially considering that I carried the label of,"depressed", myself at one point. Well I know this because I've seen it for myself. I've seen the bottomless pit of depression AND I've seen the tunnel out! I've been haunted by the monster under my bed AND I've kicked his A** out!

But I have to tell you, and you have to hear this, I didn't do it alone! I didn't even DO it at all! All I did was recognize the monster finally and then I let him go. I let him go while driving in my car with tears streaming down my face, barely seeing the lines in the road, and crying out to the God I'd ignored for far too long.

I finally realized how weak and helpless I was and I called out to the front lines.

And guess what...

HE CAME!
He actually showed up and took it! ALL of it!

So here's your hope. It might not happen tomorrow, or even next year and that's ok.

But it MIGHT happen tomorrow! 


Your Love