The 'F' Word

I try not to use the 'F' word often.

I try to pretend like I don't even know what it is. 

I often feel like I put on this persona, that I am fearless. That there is nothing that causes these "grounded" feet to tremble. (Big winking emoji here) 

I want to be fearless. I believe I have the ability to be fearless (through Christ). 
But that's not where I'm at right now. 

For as long as I could remember I've had nightmares. These aren't your normal nightmares either. These nightmares leave me crippled with fear. 

Since I was a kid I would pray through them and now I am noticing that my son is often burdened with these same terrors. And so, I often have to sit with him and teach him to pray. To pray every single time, even when it doesn't seem to make a difference. 

Just Pray. 

It was a few nights ago that I was having a conversation with him and it struck me. 

God slipped a precious gem into my thoughts to answer one of Troy's and my frequently pondered questions. 

Troy would so often ask me why we pray, if it doesn't usually make the dreams go away. I never really had an answer for him because I didn't quite understand it myself. 

But in that moment it came to me. 

I laid next to him and I shared the sweet gift with him. 
I told him that we continue to pray, even when the dreams don't go away, because when we pray it brings us closer to God. It draws us closer into His perfect embrace. 

Into intimacy with Him.

I told him to think about how it feels when he's at school and I'm not with him and then how he feels when we are snuggling in him bed talking at night. I told him that this is what it's like when we pray. God is always close to us but it's when we pray that we make that extra space for Him to draw even closer. 

Walking into my room that night I had a new confidence with my fear. I knew that even if I had dream after dream, that when I pray I get to draw closer to God. 

And there's no safer place than with Him. 

So as I continue to wrestle this thing called fear, as I fail terribly and as I win victoriously, I have the security of the Father's embrace. In my head, I know there's nothing to fear. Even when I'm dreaming I can often recognize the lie behind all of it but it's that transition between believing that with my head to believing that with my heart. 

And that's something I have to trust God with because He's been far kinder to my heart than I ever have. 


Christians are Mean

I know this sounds like a bold statement but it's not a new one. It can be reworded in a few different ways but I'm sure you're not new to it.

I just think if this is true and Christians are... (fill in the blank). Then what does that say about Jesus? The One whom we say we follow, listen to, and try to mimic? 


The Weight of Fall

The concept of "fall" is new to me. 
Leaves fluttering to the ground is new to me. 

But the meaning that this season carries is not new to me. 
I look outside and watch my boys raking up thousands of leaves and I can't help but fill up with gratitude. 


Bus Stops and Bullets

It feels like yesterday that I was the one walking to the bus stop from our cute little house on the hill overlooking the beautiful California valley. It amazes me every single day that I am going to be walking my own kids down that familiar hill.

I'm now living in a completely different country but part of me feels like that hill has followed me here. I often feel like my adolescence followed me here along with it. There are mornings I wake up and feel so young. I feel as though I need that tug on my blanket and the flickering of the lights from my dad to get me up. Then I walk down those stairs and realize time has flown by like the quick fast forward of an old VHS tape.


The heart-ache called friendship

I was never very good at friendship. It was hard for me to really find a place where I belonged. I didn't know if it had something to do with just being a female or if the way other women intimidated me would shine across my face like a deer in the headlights. 

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