Restless and Dreaming

Today I'm dreaming. 
Today I'm restless. 

We spent the weekend walking through the RV show and envisioning one of our greatest dreams possibly becoming a reality. I have to be honest, I've never really dreamed. Not until maybe a year or two ago when I was actually told that dreaming was a real thing and was something that God actually wanted me to do. 


As I watch you go

Looking out my wide front windows this morning I can see mounds of fluffy white landscape, snow draped trees, and the stillness of a country morning. 

It's beautiful and quiet.

 If I wasn't so familiar with the frozen kiss of winter on my skin, it would almost be inviting. 

After a whirlwind morning of flying school lunches, messy yogurt-faced breakfasts and bartering for just one more kiss, the kids skipped down the icy driveway to school. Watching them step onto that bus never fails to fill my heart and mind with a million emotions and thoughts. 

I have yet to just wave goodbye with a sense of repetition and ease. 

I'm excited for them though. 

Everyday I find great joy in being a part of instilling independence into my kids. I want them to grow into courageous, wise, and strong adults one day. And I know a lot of that comes from more of me letting go than holding on. 

The mornings are bittersweet because I often feel like they are this time lapse that is out of my control. That as they step on that bus tomorrow morning they will be stepping on it with Ugg boots, messy buns, cell phones, and roaring teenage hormones. 

But today I love watching their excitement as they take on that big yellow giant full of possibility, laughter, and their first taste of life on their own. 

They are smart, strong, and kind kids. They will be ok. I've done a good job and I will continue to do a good job. Not because I've discovered the long lost parent's manual or because I'm some prodigy, but simply because I trust God to equip me for the job. 

We don't say that very often, "I am doing a good job". I know for me it's probably a lot easier to write it than say it even now. 

I am doing a good job and so are you. 

Maybe today I will look in the mirror and tell myself something that will make me feel like a great mom instead of absorbing all the thoughts that make me believe otherwise. 
And I hope you do the same.
Whether you're a mom or not, take some time and just tell yourself you're doing a good job. 
There's always room for improvement and I'm sure no matter what you're doing today, someone or something will tell you that you need to do better. But maybe for one minute you can hear your own voice saying, "good job".


Long Time No See

Hello There!

It's been a while!

I wanted to take a little time to explain my disappearance. It's nothing big. I have no dramatic exit story for you. I just faded out a bit. I got caught up in the chaos of life, which I'm sure you're not unfamiliar with.

I added another tiny human to our collection of messy haired blonde monsters, I started my own business, and to top it off I started working my old job again. So there was and still is lots going on. I love it all though. All the work and busyness, all the time with people and feeling useful. It's been a lovely ride, even if it is a constant rollercoaster ride, and not the quiet backcountry, Sunday morning kind of ride.

But oh how I've missed this.

Writing has always been my safe place, my comfort zone, my sweet spot. Even in the pages and pages of notebooks and journals, that only my eyes have seen, there is great joy in each word.

I want to write more.

I want to be here for anyone who will take the time to read any of my ramblings. I appreciate you. I appreciate your time. There's not a whole lot to this post. I really just wanted to say hi and to get my fingers back on the keys again, even if they don't create anything significant or thought-provoking.

It just feels good to be back.


The 'F' Word

I try not to use the 'F' word often.

I try to pretend like I don't even know what it is. 

I often feel like I put on this persona, that I am fearless. That there is nothing that causes these "grounded" feet to tremble. (Big winking emoji here) 

I want to be fearless. I believe I have the ability to be fearless (through Christ). 
But that's not where I'm at right now. 

For as long as I could remember I've had nightmares. These aren't your normal nightmares either. These nightmares leave me crippled with fear. 

Since I was a kid I would pray through them and now I am noticing that my son is often burdened with these same terrors. And so, I often have to sit with him and teach him to pray. To pray every single time, even when it doesn't seem to make a difference. 

Just Pray. 

It was a few nights ago that I was having a conversation with him and it struck me. 

God slipped a precious gem into my thoughts to answer one of Troy's and my frequently pondered questions. 

Troy would so often ask me why we pray, if it doesn't usually make the dreams go away. I never really had an answer for him because I didn't quite understand it myself. 

But in that moment it came to me. 

I laid next to him and I shared the sweet gift with him. 
I told him that we continue to pray, even when the dreams don't go away, because when we pray it brings us closer to God. It draws us closer into His perfect embrace. 

Into intimacy with Him.

I told him to think about how it feels when he's at school and I'm not with him and then how he feels when we are snuggling in him bed talking at night. I told him that this is what it's like when we pray. God is always close to us but it's when we pray that we make that extra space for Him to draw even closer. 

Walking into my room that night I had a new confidence with my fear. I knew that even if I had dream after dream, that when I pray I get to draw closer to God. 

And there's no safer place than with Him. 

So as I continue to wrestle this thing called fear, as I fail terribly and as I win victoriously, I have the security of the Father's embrace. In my head, I know there's nothing to fear. Even when I'm dreaming I can often recognize the lie behind all of it but it's that transition between believing that with my head to believing that with my heart. 

And that's something I have to trust God with because He's been far kinder to my heart than I ever have. 


Christians are Mean

I know this sounds like a bold statement but it's not a new one. It can be reworded in a few different ways but I'm sure you're not new to it.

I just think if this is true and Christians are... (fill in the blank). Then what does that say about Jesus? The One whom we say we follow, listen to, and try to mimic? 

Your Love