I Wander...

I'm Prone to Wander.

That's how I've always been. Some say I have a free spirit, some say I'm unstable, and some say I'm full of faith and ready to leap.

I love change, I thrive on it actually. The more movement, the more I feel at home and safe.

I love the thrill of something new and before God set my feet on his firm foundation, this trait would often lead me to run at the hint of the first breeze. It would leave me anxious and uneasy when stability and permanence crept up to my door.

As I've spent time with this I've decided that this trait, or whatever you choose to call it, is both a product of the often swirling and spinning world I grew up in, where it never felt safe to set my feet down, and simply the beautiful and unique way God has made me.

Having this freedom to jump at any moment, move at any call, and go with the flow has made life easier for me but I always felt it was a symptom of being broken. Spending my life never wanting to sit still or settle down made me feel lost and unstable. I felt as though I was a burden to my call as a mom and a danger to the domestic life.

I didn't fit in with where I was supposed to be in this stage of my life, so I felt lost and confused. Constantly in search of weights to tie around my ankles to keep me from floating away.

It's taken a while for God to chip these lies away in my life. It's taken His endless patience, grace, and gentle whispers to finally teach me that I am not broken.
The most freeing moment of my life, apart from being found by Jesus, was when I was told that satan was twisting my words around and that I am not unstable but am instead responsive to the Spirit. This was the beginning of a whole new acceptance of not only who I am and how I was made but of the purpose and call God has placed on my life.

I was given permission to be exactly who God made me and I was loosed from the burden of feeling like who I was was simply a product of the brokenness and pain that was inflicted on me throughout my life.

It's beautiful to imagine how the Spirit of God works and how in some small way God has made me someone that effortlessly flows with that when I'm in step with Him.  There are so many verses that describes the Spirit as moving, dwelling, coming upon, resting upon, guiding, abounding and so many more.
What a freedom and relief to untie those ankle weights and just let go. To trust God enough to know He will ground me just enough to not float too far away. I now sit with God in disciplining myself to recognize the moments when it is time to sit and rest and wait. To know that I do need to be refuelled and I can't run on fumes but to also know that He has "knitted me together" and that He not only knows me better than I know myself but He loves me far more than that. He cherishes me.

I am me and that's perfectly ok.

photo credit: I've been losing you... via photopin (license)

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