What's this Christian Thing actually supposed to look like?

What a loaded question. And one that I am really struggling to answer in my life.

 I've been taught by the world what Christianity comes across as and that makes me sad. It truly aches my heart.

I've been taught by my parents what it should look like and there were far too many holes and far too many days not living it out that left me lost.

I've been taught by church what it's supposed to look like and I have walked away with a lot of wisdom and friendships and guidance in my early days but there seems to always be something missing when I step out those doors into the real world.

And now I'm being taught by my soul friends, my bible, and most of all by the Holy Spirit. The very spirit that lives in Jesus is now teaching me through me! That is the most amazing concept there is once you can finally grab ahold of it.

So as I battle with the truth that is growing inside of me and the influence of the world around me, good and bad, I sit and try to understand what this is really supposed to look like because this world wind of passion and truth and unrest inside myself seems to go against everything around me. I've been told that I'm supposed to be uncomfortable and that what I believe will make me stand out but I've never been told that at that moment when I truly start to take steps like Jesus that I will face adversity at every turn.

I've found so much comfort resting in the word of God and walking with Peter and Paul and Simon and many more as they face not only adversity but persecution, imprisonment, and death by the very people who were supposed to be the spiritual leaders of the time.

We are told to ask Jesus into our hearts and then follow him but what does following Jesus really look like? Is it sunday morning in stiff pews taking in a message we usually have our noses turned up to? Or is it standing while the worship band plays a new hip song and we occasionally raise a hand or sway back and forth but not so much that we bring attention to ourselves? Is it secretly buying a coffee for the person behind us in the drive thru? To me all these things seem pretty normal and the more I get to know Jesus the more I know down to my core that this isn't enough.

I don't have all the answers and I'm still trying to get past the fear and uncomfortability of my own life but I want more. I want to step into my church and feel so at home that I don't feel like I belong anywhere else. I want to stand with the worship band and be so over come with the holy spirit that the rooms explodes with joy and song and people dance around and jump on pews and sing and praise with every bone in their body. I want to be moved and equipped and then sent out to go into the world as a disciple. I want everyone around me to see Jesus radiating so brightly through me that I become a magnet for him. I want to heal the sick and raise the dead and perform miracles and great wonders everywhere I go for the glory of God. I want to devote everything I do so passionately and completely to Jesus that humility is a nonissue.

I want to lay my head down every single night knowing everyone around me couldn't shake that overwhelming love of Jesus for them. I want to move mountains and make disciples of the world.

I want to make Jesus, my father, my redeemer, my king, shine his face upon me because I am doing his work. I want to make my daddy proud! And I want to stop letting everyone around me down because I'm afraid to look radical, or crazy, or alone.

I guess I just want to be a Christian.

photo credit: fence in fog via photopin (license)
photo credit: Mom. via photopin (license)

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