16.5.15

Teaching these trembling hands to set the future free



From as early as I can remember my eyes have always been focused on the future. I was a fresh fifteen when I jumped in a cab and got my first job and from then on I've had a steady job and big plans for university and a career that I could be proud of.
This was something that became so embedded in me that it settled into the deepest corners of my heart. I had fallen madly in love with the prospects of the future.
Living this way, I would be seen as someone right on track, a youth to be proud of, but as I see my children's years speeding up before my eyes I see the danger in this way of thinking.

Plans change. Life throws you curve balls you can't hit no matter how hard you try. And that is what happened for me. As I look back I see these curve balls had very little to do with life and much more to do with God's bigger plan.

My big plans were quickly thrown off course when I found out I was pregnant at 19, and while that hit my little heart pretty hard, it wasn't long until I was just rerouting those plans and finding a way back to them.

Shortly after finding out the news of our little man that was joining our newly budding relationship, we packed up our little apartment and my one suitcase and made our way to Canada. All the while I was planning for when I was going to go back to school and trying to pick the best degree for the biggest career. The thing I noticed over these years of planning was that there was never a career that seemed to work for me. I would toss around idea after idea and I would always end up right back at the drawing board but I knew I had to pick something.

I just thought that maybe I hadn't figured myself out yet.

As the days swept by the deep love I had planted for my future at university hadn't faded. There were multiple times we would drive by the local university and I would bury my face in my arm and would cry. My heart ached so much thinking of my great plans being shattered. My heart was truly broken.

I'm sure I had opportunities to pursue these dreams and getting pregnant wasn't what held me back at all but to me at the time that's what seemed to be the culprit.

Years flew by and we made choices that took me further and further from those big dreams I had and the tears still fell and my heart still ached but the distance life was putting between me and that old life made it fade just a little. But it would always seem to find a way to sneak back in and pull me back down.

Until I finally figured it out!

It wasn't until this last year that I finally figured out that those big dreams that I was so deeply invested in were never meant to be. Getting pregnant young was a result of my own decisions but the rerouting of my plans were always what God had in mind. I'm learning now that those plans were mine and mine alone and even if things had gone differently all those years ago that was never the plan that was supposed to be lived out.

There was a reason I never "figured out" a career I fit into, there was always a reason that I couldn't find direction when looking into my education. It was because I was never supposed to be there.

What a huge time of healing for me! As I spent that last year finally getting to know my God, He has slowly started showing me the plans that he has for me and with that he started to heal the broken heart that I had inflicted on myself.

There are definitely days now that I sit and think about the future and what God has ahead of me but the key part of that is that I'm now focused on the plans God has for me. I had this huge plan that would have never worked out in the first place and now I bury my head in my arm and cry not because I'm broken over the change in plans but because I am thankful that God pulled me out before I walked too far.

Jeremiah 29:11
" For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."

I have read this a ton of times but not until this last year did I really begin to understand what it means. It's good to have plans and dreams but I placed all my cards on the plans that I had when I couldn't see beyond the horizon. God already has plans for me and they are perfect!


I now sit at home with two babies running around terrorizing the cat and drawing on walls and I feel a joy I know now I never would have had if I hadn't let God take over. I have a sense of peace and joy that is irreplaceable simply because I am exactly where God wants me right now. And this looks different for each of us. For the stay at home moms or the five to nine moms, if you settle into where ever it is that God wants you right now then you will always find rest and purpose.

There is no greater joy than finding yourself sinking into God's precious and unfailing plan for your life. I realize now that the place I set aside in my heart for my "future" was always supposed to be for God. I was making it a god in my life and because of that I had to face the consequences of it and that was a heart so deeply broken I didn't know if I could pick it back up. But I didn't have to. God saw me in my sadness and while I cried he cried with me then he waited for me to see him and he let me run into his arms. He picked up all the broken pieces and put them all back together better than they were before and helped me set my eyes back on him.

I still slip and slide but I know exactly where I'm supposed to put my feet now and I know that no matter what life looks like I will always have a great purpose. No matter how mundane or how wild, God sees the whole picture and I get to trust him to be waiting just on the other side of the horizon with the rest of the path.

I still have a future but now it's a future that I will fit perfectly into. A future where all the beautiful gifts God has given me will be used and a future that will truly glorify him. There is nothing more I could ask for beyond that. And the cool part is that I'm way more excited for this future because now I don't have to get it right. I don't have to worry that I chose the wrong path. All I need to do now is let go, be patient, trust God, get to know His voice more, and jump when he calls.



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