23.11.11

I'm back! A little insight... This is who I really am.

Two of my biggest struggles in life are trusting my own heart and holding on too tight to other people. As I've grown and let myself go piece by piece, I'm learning (God's teaching me) that I can't depend on myself and I can't depend on other people to feel permanent love and contentment. It's so easy to be consumed by all those amazing emotions but we have to anchor into something more permanent. We can't put that much pressure of other people and especially ourselves to keep us afloat because as life goes on we learn that we are all trying not to sink. You can't save someone who is drowning if you can't swim. Learning to give my dependence to God has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do but has been the only thing that has been truly fulfilling. And as I learn to not lean on everyone else I am finding that I have so much more to give them. My goal is to give myself to others 100% and to try and expect nothing in return. Instead I want to receive all I need from God. He does have everything I need after all. Then when other people give themselves to me and give their love to me then it's like this huge bonus. I'm not depending on that because I already have it.

My faith is 100% about a real relationship with my God. A relationship with dialog and love I can actually feel. I relationship that doesn't rely on what I do but instead simply on the love He's craving to give to me. And now I am have figured out that all that emptiness I felt was just my intense craving for His love. All I had to do was ask.

This is a daily battle, giving of myself and not being dependent on faulty foundations, but I am slowly learning that all I have to do is ask.

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