I try not to use the 'F' word often. I try to pretend like I don't even know what it is. I often feel like I put on this persona, that I am fearless. That there is nothing that causes these "grounded" feet to tremble. (Big winking emoji here)
I know this sounds like a bold statement but it's not a new one. It can be reworded in a few different ways but I'm sure you're not new to it. I just think if this is true and Christians are... (fill in the blank). Then what does that say about Jesus? The One whom we say we follow, listen to, and try to mimic?
The concept of "fall" is new to me. Leaves fluttering to the ground is new to me.
But the meaning that this season carries is not new to me. I look outside and watch my boys raking up thousands of leaves and I can't help but fill up with gratitude.
It feels like yesterday that I was the one walking to the bus stop from our cute little house on the hill overlooking the beautiful California valley. It amazes me every single day that I am going to be walking my own kids down that familiar hill. I'm now living in a completely different country but part of me feels like that hill has followed me here. I often feel like my adolescence followed me here along with it. There are mornings I wake up and feel so young. I feel as though I need that tug on my blanket and the flickering of the lights from my dad to get me up. Then I walk down those stairs and realize time has flown by like the quick fast forward of an old VHS tape.
I was never very good at friendship.
It was hard for me to really find a place where I belonged. I didn't know if it had something to do with just being a female or if the way other women intimidated me would shine across my face like a deer in the headlights.
Well, we've made it official. I won't elaborate on the details but this little family of five is forever a family of five. I must say my farewell to the butterfly kicks, the eager anticipation of a new arrival, the beauty of a first hello, and very soon, I will be saying goodbye to the tender moments of just me and baby in the rocking chair as I nurse him one last time.
Reading is one of the things closest to my heart. I feel like reading often teaches you beautiful things about yourself, about God, about the hidden beauty in the world, and about the brokenness in the world that we can pray for and even have the power to change. So I wanted to take some time and just share the books that have been the closest to my heart, the books that have deepened my love and devotion to God, and the books that have changed me that most so far.
I had a monster under my bed.
It was one that I didn't ever tell anyone about.
It lurked and crept in and out of my life like a fly on a hot day that you just can't swat away.
It was my best kept secret.
Motherhood is hard. It will humble you and show you cracks in your character that will make you cringe at times, but it will also humble you and show you cracks that eventually break open to a new and uncharted love that you would have never experienced otherwise. Motherhood isn't always giving birth. Mothers come in all forms, from the biological to the adoptive to the foster mom and everything in between. Being a mom to your children will be incredible but loving a child that was entrusted to you through the life of another mother is courageous, selfless, and shows the incredible beauty in choosing love.
Picture a little girl.
Stringy, unbrushed, blonde hair and big blue eyes.
She's a tiny girl, a girl with rapid feet and a fragile heart.
She's a girl with secrets and scars so deep that they leap to the surface disguised as mischief and trouble.
She's the girl with a broken home, a broken heart, and a broken future as far as anyone can see.
It was a typical night in our home when I took my sweet 7 year old son down to his room to send him off to sleep for the night. We slumped down in his bed and started to read together. As we began to read he asked me why we all sleep where we sleep and why his dad and I always sleep together.
This led me to tell him of the beauty of marriage and that one day he too will lay down at night next to a woman he loves and chooses to be his wife. His little eyes filled with such joy and amazement it sent my heart leaping from my chest. To know that I have the call to nurture this little man's blossoming anticipation and excitement for marriage is such a magnificent privilege.
Maybe today you need a reason to let go a little.
To transport back to the carefree and joyful days of your youth.
To put the pains and plans of the now out of your mind for just a moment.
So here's your invitation, an invitation to jump in the shower, run out to the car, or slip away to the back storage room of your job. Put a fun song on and give a little dance.
Close your eyes if you need to and imagine a time when this didn't feel so weird and uncomfortable and just go there.
I have a feeling it will be the little piece of joy that your day or even week may need.
I've been spending a little more time envisioning my future.
The future that is beyond combing stringy blond locks before bedtime.
The future that is beyond the tired-red-eyed days filled with homework, sports, and coaching my not-so-littles how to navigate love, loss, and life.
The future that is beyond white gowns and rocking grand baby's.
The future that holds grey hairs, tender hands, and fragile skin.
The future that holds a vastness of uncertainty, excitement and anticipation.
The future of what I hope is filled with endless grace, wisdom, and selflessness.
So here I am writing to you, my kids...
Something cool that God is teaching me right now is the beauty in obedience. I think too often we see obedience as this duty or some daunting obligation but lately God's been showing me how to see obedience in a completely different way.
The last few times I've stepped out in obedience, in ways that seem really difficult and scary, I've been left with incredible blessing.
God was sitting there waiting to say, that he's got a treasure waiting for me but it has to come after obedience. After looking back the being obedient part wasn't that big of a deal. What I was being obedient too wasn't really all that hard and didn't actually cost me all that much.
But as I look back I see the grand reward God had for me. That His response WASthat big of a deal. He has store houses waiting for us if we only listen and obey.
I wanted to share my "sabbath" with you today.
Chris took the kids out for the day. It's 2:10pm and I haven't brushed my hair or my teeth. I turned on my hipster worship music and pulled out the flour. I let myself fill my "day of rest" with four loads of dishes, 6 pizzas, 2 salads, and a counter full of muffins. The reason I'm sharing this is because my idea of sabbath is constantly being transformed.
I want to have days of sabbath where I sit in solitude with Jesus and rest, but I'm finding my "sabbath" can look more like service.
As I was spending time in my "war room"(aka the shower), because that's the only place I can hide from the little monsters that roam my house, I was thinking about those same little monsters and their wedding days.
I was thinking about what I would say to them as I stand at that podium or in front of the mirror as they tremble with anticipation and I share what could be some of the most influential words they hear as they embark on this new and mysterious journey of marriage.
I thank my kids for cleaning up their own toys.
I thank my husband for picking up his socks.
I thank my husband for holding the baby while I do the dishes.
As I scan through social media there seems to be a trend of hostility toward thanking our spouses for doing "their job". This saddens me actually.
I say thank you for the bare minimum because when I say "thank you", they hear "I love you." I don't say thank you because I feel like they are doing something extraordinary or because I feel I have to be the 1950's wife and wait at the door in an apron with a plate of cookies. I say thank you because they matter and because I love them.
It was a few days ago I received a knock on the door from a guy and girl, dressed really cute, and probably in their early twenties at least. They proceeded to hand me a pamphlet, pause for my response, and turn away to carry on to the next house.
I won't get into details about what the pamphlet was about but I'm sure you can guess. The first thought I had was how desperately I wanted to tell them they didn't have to work so hard. That whatever they were driving from house to house to achieve, whatever they were missing work, school, or a fun getaway with friends for didn't actually need all the striving.
As I look ahead to the days when I will be looking back, these words will likely come up more than once. I've had conversations with parents who have reached this stage and many of them really struggle with some guilt looking back. They have spent days truly saddened over holding on too tightly to the things they could have done or the things they wish they hadn't. I have to say I am very grateful and honoured to have been allowed access to such transparency.
For all of you going through this now, let me just stop here and urge you to rest in God's endless grace and the truth that He is greater than any mistakes or short comings that have haunted you.
"Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -2 Corinthians 12:8-9
When I think about the time when I have to face my failures as a parent, I am left with a sense of peace and hope rather than fear. The hope that in all the areas that I've "failed my children" and left them "without", that will be an area where they are invited into the fullness and success of Christ. The broken pieces I know I will leave them with can be perfectly restored as they fall into the love of Jesus.